Out of Africa

I may seem like a mild-mannered risk-averse homebody, but don't let my sedentary lifestyle fool you.  I learned today that I am also a trusted confidant of the former president of Liberia. His son told me so in a letter.

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Apparently, deposed Liberian president Charles Taylor is being held by the United Nations while he stands trial for war crimes.  Charles Jr. (and my overactive imagination) recounts the stirring visit with his father in custody.  The warlord's family has a sizable fortune tied up in an American bank.  They need someone they can trust to help get it out.

The disgraced Liberian leader pressed a frayed piece of paper into his son's hand.  It contained only my name and address.

Perhaps Charles Jr. reacted with some surprise, "But Father, what can this man do?  He lives in Eugene, Oregon -- he probably doesn't even wear socks!"

The older man raised his shackled hands and calmly replied, "I have a lot of confidence and trust in Travis' personality."

Perhaps Charles Jr. looked deep into his father's eyes for a moment, nodded slightly, and asked in a lowered tone, "Do you think he will accept 10% of the 177 million United States dollars?"

"Travis is a hard man," replied the accused war criminal, "it would be better to offer him 50%.  Anything less -- he will simply mock you on his hippie blog."

Charles Jr. shuddered.  He had seen what Travis had written about Snuggies earlier that year -- the young Liberian had immediately regretted buying several dozen of the blankets with sleeves for himself.

After embracing his embattled father one last time, Charles Jr. bid him farewell and boarded the private jet that would take the displaced Liberian back to a refugee camp in Tanzania.

So there you are -- a perfectly rational, logical, completely-believable account.  The envelope even has a Tanzanian postmark.

I'll just type my response to Charles Jr. right here:

Dear Mr. Taylor:

Thank you for your letter.  I regret that I must decline your generous business proposal.  My services have already been engaged by the son of a deposed Nigerian king who finds himself in circumstances very similar to your own.  I must say, deposed African despots should really look into less-complicated financial arrangements for their children.  They inevitably come to me for help.  I think it's because my personality inspires both confidence and trust.  Oh well, live and learn.

Yours truly,

Travis Stoddard

P.S. You should turn off caps lock -- it creates the appearance that you are yelling at people.